October 20, 2011

those things called jocks

Let's discuss jocks. Stereotypically jocks are defined as "dumbass 'athletes' who get all the chicks in high school." To take it further, they like to wear rather metrosexual clothing, feel the need to grunt and yell quite loudly and they never walk - only swagger or jog to show off their impeccably large muscles. And they hang out with loud, flirty girls who tend to show their belly buttons at any given opportunity. Remember we're speaking stereotypically here.

Jocks are not to be confused with athletes. For athletes the sport is what matters, not all the other things surrounding it. True athletes are not jocks. Jocks are the people who are actually in fact are only minimally sporty - it's the image that they like. Common ways to recognise the species is a plethora of white canvas shoes, tight singlets and short fluro shorts, all of which are commonly defined as a fashion crime amongst the non-jock species. Another key factor is the shaving of legs, which has been around for quite some time, but apparently a new phenomenon has hit: they are now shaving their armpits too! I think what's occurring here is really quite obvious. They are becoming more and more female.

There is no such thing as a female jock. For a female athlete, or just a sporty one, is just that: a sporty athlete. The girls that are most often acquainted with jocks are not jocks. They are apparently 'popular', and as my friend Niall defines it, they are 75% "hot", 3% intelligent and the rest is filled up with bitchiness. Best description I've ever heard.

I understand that I am being exceedingly judgmental here. But realistically, you are not are jock, and if you were, you would probably be too consumed with yourself to realise that I am talking about you. The inspiration for this rant is not mere speculation, it is fact based on a particular group of people I see relatively often. I don’t know them personally of course and I’m sure they have lovely characteristics but the way they act… oh gosh.

There is zero consideration. The jock species cares about I’m sure about a lot of things, but my research has led me to think the top three are as follows: looking tough, drinking, and showing off in front of girls. Kindness to others does not seem a priority. A particular colony of the species I have in mind took three tables amongst themselves – one to sit under, and the other two to hold up the one they were going to sit under. How thoughtful to the other six groups of people who ended up eating their lunch on the ground.

Drinking. While the consumption of alcohol is obviously an activity not of jocks alone, they sure do love to talk about it. In raised voices. In the library.  All the time. While I like that people have enjoyable weekends, I do not care much that “next weekend at Brooke’s is going to be even better than Jake’s last Friday night.” I once heard a group of 3% girls (the aforementioned female acquaintances of jocks) talking about how they were going to have a party and only invite HOT people. They then proceeded to think of an invitee list. I can tell you their voices were not hushed. I hope none of their not-HOT friends were nearby.

The 3% girls are the reason jocks tend to kick the footy in a non-footy area amongst people who are trying to conduct conversation and, at times, homework. And let’s not descent into the mystery of their brains – it could be horrifying to discover such little activity. Jocks love to impress the 3% girls. This is where the “I refuse to walk, I instead prefer to swagger or jog” attitude comes from.  You will not see a jock simply putting one foot in front of the other. If you do, please photograph it and send it to the Discovery Channel.


  1. This is possibly the most accurate description anyone could find!!

  2. Wow! Harsh but so so true.... Amazing!